Wednesday, December 17, 2008

How I Met My Future Self: Chapter Five

Chapter Five

December 17, 2006

I don't know where the time goes, but it definitely does go. Months can go by in a repetitive blink of an eye if you let them. I really didn't allow much repetition though, not this time around. The only repetition in my life stems completely from the guy I just broke up with not too long ago. I only stayed with this one for about 16 months before I realized that he likes to drink more than I can deal with, and his drunken attitude is shitty. He wasn't making me happy, anyway. I guess he thought he was, bless his heart. It's not his fault that I can be so internally focused that I never speak about anything more pressing than my opinion of the latest Nomeansno album.

I recently met a man who sees further inside the inner workings of my brain than I do. It's nice to talk to him because he is making me remember aspects of myself that I had buried. But I'm beginning to think that maybe I wasn't so wrong in burying these things. That maybe what I thought I wanted five years ago isn't really what I want anymore. The thing is, it's almost like he's exploiting these fantasies. He makes them more outrageous than they ever really were, and hypnotically gets me to agree with wanting to be a victim who also does horrific acts on others. I think I'm just playing along with him and that it's all just a fantasy. This relationship hasn't made it too far past late night phone calls, and the times we have been in each other's presence were very tame. But it's still kind of scary and I'm starting to feel as though it's all ridiculous and I am putting more of myself into this distraction than I should be.

I am going home for Christmas next week. I have never done that since I moved away. I have a rocky relationship with my family, Mother especially. I am still excited about it, only because I'll be spending time with an old friend I haven't seen in a long time. He's one of the only people from my hometown days that I still keep in touch with. It'll be cool to hang out with him again, we always had a lot of fun back in the day.

This song is actually called...
The Fall - Nomeansno

Silly me!

Hello to folks who may be reading this...
I kinda jumped off the ship for a few months and did some regrouping. I had no idea until today that I had any comments on my posts, so I wanted to come by, say hello, and thank everyone who took the time to leave thoughtful and encouraging comments.

Silly me, I need to go into the settings and have my comments emailed to me so I can get them on time and reply to them!

Anyway, I wanted to get in an update because we all know a week in the blogosphere is like two years... I'm not gonna do the math here, but three months = a long-ass time.

I can't guarantee that I'll post here super often. This is mostly a work of fiction with some real life experiences thrown in, and the muse comes by for coffee and cigarettes when she's in the mood for that kinda thing.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

How I Met My Future Self - Chapter Four

Chapter Four

September 17 2004

Everything is different now.
I left him, for good.
I told him to leave me alone, forever. He was sucking me dry and I do not want him taking any more from me. I have taken back everything he stole from me and left him being the empty one for a change. He hates it. I know he will lash out at me at some point, he will tell anyone who will listen how I ruined his life so they will take pity and give him the sympathy he needs to feed upon.
It's over. I am renewed and rejoicing.
The world seems so much brighter and less depressing. Hell, I think I lost a bunch of weight overnight. I certainly feel lighter. I am bouncing off clouds.

Ever since we moved to the city, I could feel this change coming. Opportunities abound. There is now nothing holding me back from achieving my dreams... Except I'm not sure what my dreams are, yet. It's not always easy to think about what I want because I can all too easily feel the dreams of everyone else riding away on waves of helplessness. I don't know where to begin, but then again, I suppose I have taken the first step by taking my own power back. I am surrounded by good friends and good spirits now, and that is what matters most at this time. I can work on the rest later - It's time for a vacation.

Fiona Apple - Limp - Fiona Apple

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

How I Met My Future Self - Chapter Two

Chapter Two

I stood up and turned on the faucet. My face was so puffy from all that crying, so I stood over the sink and splashed cold water on my face until I felt more calm. I shook my head, and droplets of water flew around the bathroom. Deep breath. Sigh. I looked at my wet, red face in the mirror - My eyes were shining, bright blue, the windows to my soul were telling me to just chill. Today sucks, but tomorrow is another day.

I could hear the annoying sounds of some dumb reality show emanating from the other room. He was in there, zoning out to the TV instead of trying to help calm me down. He never was very good at dealing with emotions. I felt trapped, I was angry with him and didn't want to be in his presence at all. However, this tiny motel room was just that, and the bathroom was the only place to escape to. It was dark outside and the town we were in was sketchy at best, but I honestly didn't care about that. I opened the door to the bathroom, walked wordlessly to the exit door, and went outside. The air was cool and fresh. It smelled pretty good - considering this was New Jersey, I was pleasantly surprised, and it actually made me smile. I stuffed my hands into the pouch pocket of my hoodie, and walked.

With each step away from the motel, I felt better. Each step away from him, from this less-than-mediocre existence gave me a little more strength. I wished I could just keep walking. But where would I go? After all, I was a stranger in a strange land. I had no money, no cell phone, just some cigarettes and my thoughts. Wouldn't get me too far.

The moon was almost full. I could see it reflecting on the horizon. I thought it was strange - I wasn't aware that there were any lakes or ponds around here. I followed the reflection. When I reached the water, I was taken aback by the beauty of it. I wished I had known before that this pond was here; I'd have visited it much sooner. There was a small hill just to my right, and I walked over to it and sat down. As I looked at the shimmering reflection of the moon on the water, I took a deep breath. As I exhaled, I felt a calm unlike anything I had ever felt before - and then I heard my voice say, "Got yourself in pretty deep, didn't you?" I chuckled to myself - mind playing tricks on me, don't ya know. But then I looked to my right, and I saw myself walking towards me. My eyes widened. I sat down next to myself and smiled. "Surprised to see me?" I just blinked in response. It was me, but a little thinner, more tattoos, longer hair. She was me, but older, wiser, it seemed. Our eyes met, and I knew that this was no trick of the mind.

"I know what you're going through," she said. "I remember it well. Probably my lowest point," she looked down at the ground and shook her head. She took in a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. "This isn't the end, you know. There's still going to be more disappointments, more stress. But you will get through it. Seems hard now, I know, and it is, but you are going to come out of it much stronger than you ever thought you would be. I know, because I've been there, and I'm still here."

I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Er, well, ME. I was flooded with mixed emotions - this was pretty weird, but at the same time, I have never felt more comfortable in the presence of anyone else. I started to speak, but the words got caught in my throat. She shushed me and said softly, "Don't ask any questions, k? I can't tell you too much about the future yet. I just want you to know that you are gonna be alright. But just be prepared. There's still a lot of turmoil ahead for you to conquer before you get to where I am." With that, she stood up and dusted herself off. "Go home," she told me. "He's not going anywhere. Not yet, anyway." I watched her walk away, and I shook my head as if I was trying to shake off delirium.

I looked back over the pond at the reflection of the moon. The water was completely still, and my mind began to come back to where it was when I first arrived. I got up, dusted the dirt off my butt, and started walking back towards the hotel, with no memory of what just happened.

Fly Like An Eagle (Live) - Steve Miller Band

Monday, September 1, 2008

How I Met My Future Self - Chapter One

This is my first attempt at writing a novel since I was 10 years old. (I'm 32 now, if that gives ya an idea of just how long I've been holding myself back from doing this.)
I am a very stream of consciousness kind of writer, so be forewarned - I have only a basic idea of where this story will go. I will write each chapter as it comes to me, and finish when I feel done with each section. Some chapters may be a paragraph, others, many pages. It is my hope that in writing this, I bring forth discoveries not just for myself, but for others as well. Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave comments.

How I Met My Future Self

Chapter One

September 7, 2002
I am sitting on the toilet in the motel bathroom crying my eyes out. I mean bawling. I am so filled with despair that I must let it all out in these giant waves of sobs, screams, and spastic gestures - I'm swinging at my demons.
My life until this moment has always led up to this. I am empathic, I feel the world's sorrows all around me, and my own sorrows are magnified. I feel like Lady Luck has forsaken me and will continue to for as long as I live. I will always be the world's goddamned toilet, I think to myself, and react with another wave of wet sobbing.

What brought me to this moment of despair? I was shut off from the rest of the world. I had reached my lowest point. I had trusted the wrong people, made the wrong decisions, and now, here I was... Living in a run down cheap motel in a run down, cheap little town. I couldn't find decent work. I had a job, but it paid little and got me just enough to feed myself and pay the steep weekly rent. My boyfriend was a headcase who had no respect for himself, let alone me - even though he'd show me one face, I would always find out about the other faces he carefully managed to hide from me, so he could save himself from the abandonment he feared so much.
I was stuck. I didn't know what to do. My soul was calling out for a sign - anything that could reinstate my belief that there was still something - anything - worth living for. Here I was, in this sorry state, knowing that the outside world is not like they say it is on TV (but that so many of us truly believe that it IS), knowing that something was greatly amiss in this world when a vibrant, creative, and intuitive person like myself could be so smashed down and have no luck with anything. And I knew it wasn't just me, either. Things like a $50,000 college education standing in the way of others' abilities to learn, flourish, and find a path that suits them... Things like fear of authority keeping people from pursuing their true dreams by keeping them at home, separated from all. So many things in our world set up to keep us apart and hold us back - but yet so many succeed. Why do some succeed while others don't?

Crucify (Reworked Greatest Hits Version) - Tori Amos