This is my first attempt at writing a novel since I was 10 years old. (I'm 32 now, if that gives ya an idea of just how long I've been holding myself back from doing this.)
I am a very stream of consciousness kind of writer, so be forewarned - I have only a basic idea of where this story will go. I will write each chapter as it comes to me, and finish when I feel done with each section. Some chapters may be a paragraph, others, many pages. It is my hope that in writing this, I bring forth discoveries not just for myself, but for others as well. Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave comments.
September 7, 2002
I am sitting on the toilet in the motel bathroom crying my eyes out. I mean bawling. I am so filled with despair that I must let it all out in these giant waves of sobs, screams, and spastic gestures - I'm swinging at my demons.
My life until this moment has always led up to this. I am empathic, I feel the world's sorrows all around me, and my own sorrows are magnified. I feel like Lady Luck has forsaken me and will continue to for as long as I live. I will always be the world's goddamned toilet, I think to myself, and react with another wave of wet sobbing.
What brought me to this moment of despair? I was shut off from the rest of the world. I had reached my lowest point. I had trusted the wrong people, made the wrong decisions, and now, here I was... Living in a run down cheap motel in a run down, cheap little town. I couldn't find decent work. I had a job, but it paid little and got me just enough to feed myself and pay the steep weekly rent. My boyfriend was a headcase who had no respect for himself, let alone me - even though he'd show me one face, I would always find out about the other faces he carefully managed to hide from me, so he could save himself from the abandonment he feared so much.
I was stuck. I didn't know what to do. My soul was calling out for a sign - anything that could reinstate my belief that there was still something - anything - worth living for. Here I was, in this sorry state, knowing that the outside world is not like they say it is on TV (but that so many of us truly believe that it IS), knowing that something was greatly amiss in this world when a vibrant, creative, and intuitive person like myself could be so smashed down and have no luck with anything. And I knew it wasn't just me, either. Things like a $50,000 college education standing in the way of others' abilities to learn, flourish, and find a path that suits them... Things like fear of authority keeping people from pursuing their true dreams by keeping them at home, separated from all. So many things in our world set up to keep us apart and hold us back - but yet so many succeed. Why do some succeed while others don't?