Wednesday, December 17, 2008

How I Met My Future Self: Chapter Five

Chapter Five

December 17, 2006

I don't know where the time goes, but it definitely does go. Months can go by in a repetitive blink of an eye if you let them. I really didn't allow much repetition though, not this time around. The only repetition in my life stems completely from the guy I just broke up with not too long ago. I only stayed with this one for about 16 months before I realized that he likes to drink more than I can deal with, and his drunken attitude is shitty. He wasn't making me happy, anyway. I guess he thought he was, bless his heart. It's not his fault that I can be so internally focused that I never speak about anything more pressing than my opinion of the latest Nomeansno album.

I recently met a man who sees further inside the inner workings of my brain than I do. It's nice to talk to him because he is making me remember aspects of myself that I had buried. But I'm beginning to think that maybe I wasn't so wrong in burying these things. That maybe what I thought I wanted five years ago isn't really what I want anymore. The thing is, it's almost like he's exploiting these fantasies. He makes them more outrageous than they ever really were, and hypnotically gets me to agree with wanting to be a victim who also does horrific acts on others. I think I'm just playing along with him and that it's all just a fantasy. This relationship hasn't made it too far past late night phone calls, and the times we have been in each other's presence were very tame. But it's still kind of scary and I'm starting to feel as though it's all ridiculous and I am putting more of myself into this distraction than I should be.

I am going home for Christmas next week. I have never done that since I moved away. I have a rocky relationship with my family, Mother especially. I am still excited about it, only because I'll be spending time with an old friend I haven't seen in a long time. He's one of the only people from my hometown days that I still keep in touch with. It'll be cool to hang out with him again, we always had a lot of fun back in the day.

This song is actually called...
The Fall - Nomeansno


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Blue in Green said...

Excellent...merry christmas to you

Anonymous said...

Enjoying your words